I enjoy making random lists of meaningless crap.
That’s right, you heard me.
Lists of important, to-do information… not so much.
So, meaningless crap it is. Specifically, in this case, fortune cookie fortunes.
Hooray!
Right. Now that we have that settled…
Recently, I ate a massive quantity of fortune cookies. Mama buys in bulk. This sometimes works to my advantage, depending on the merchandise. At any rate, I’ve never taken the fortune cookie junk seriously, obviously since I’m such a cynical ass, but these are some doozies:
1. A letter of great importance may reach you any day now.
Wow. Really? It may reach me any day? Good one. That couldn’t be more obscure.
2. You or a close friend will be married within a year.
Huh. Doing pretty well with that one, eh? I mean, I almost always go to a wedding at least once a year. But, I especially like how they stuck the ‘you’ in there… ya know, to give that teeny, tiny glimmer of hope.
3. You will reach high levels of intelligence.
What? Are you implying that I haven’t already? Asshole.
4. Hidden in a valley beside an open stream, this is the type of place where you will find your dream.
Cheese! I mean, come on now fortune cookie fortune writer, let’s get practical, shall we?
5. You will have many bright days soon.
Soon? Ha. How uplifting.
6. Your ability for accomplishment will follow with success.
Doesn’t it generally? Thank you captain fucking obvious. I especially like the use of synonyms in this one. ‘A’ for effort.
7. You are a considerate and thoughtful person.
Damn straight… mostly. At least they got something right.
8. Your place in the path is in the driver’s seat.
Soooo… I should take up racing, then?
9. You will win success at whatever you adopt.
Win success? Is this a game? The game of… wait for it, waaaiit for it… life? According to fortune #6, technically I will ‘accomplish’ success. Right.
10. You are realistic.
Okay, first of all, what the hell kind of ‘fortune’ is that? Second, if you knew I was realistic, you’d know I think this is a load of crap, and would have probably written something more to the effect of,
11. Stop procrastinating, you sarcastic ass.
Hahahhaa….I love these.
Mama bought Fortune Cookies in bulk?? haha. Was that a Miami purchase?
I don’t know if I ever shared my Fortune collection with you…I keep some in my wallet, that I found esp appropriate to life in Bim.
Let me add to your words of wisdom with these keepers:
1. “Ignorance never settles a question”
2. “All that hard work will soon pay off”
3. “Be direct, usually one can accomplish more that way”
4. “Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals”
5. “Wise men learn more from fools than fools from the wise”
Haha. I especially like “Wise men learn more from fools than fools from the wise”
Never seen anyone argue with a fortune cookie before.
Must be a young person thing.
I yell at my alphabits once in a while if I accidently scoop up a world like “fart” but I try not to fight with food…you can’t win.
i am an avid fortune cookie opener… i suggest adding the [in bed] phrase to the end of each prophecy so as to glean more foresight from the divination.
I really like your blog, its very nice. I will be back often.
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These are 10 times more interesting than most fortunes in most fortune cookies. I could comment on each and every one of those “fortunes” but I have so much more important things to do . Humph!
You see – I am an “important person”.
Goddamit!
Haha wow Richard, I’ve always wondered what that would be like
eh. luv it )
This was a very funny post!
Lil’ Marc sent me a very funny email today. SHE walked into the room and all he could see was leg. Then she turned around and all he could see was cleavage.
I replied that she looked like she sewed two dinner napkins together to make her outfit. Because that’s how short/tight it was! YUCK!
Are you coming back?
M