Archive for October, 2008

Ac·quire [uhkwahyuhr] – to come into possession or ownership of; get as one’s own.

Synonyms: achieve, attain, bring in, catch, collect, gain, gather, get, get hands on, get hold of, grab, hustle, land, latch onto, lock up, pick up, procure,  rack up, scare up, secure, snag, take, take possession of, wangle, win.

So one weekend a couple peeps came to hang at my place.  One guy had never been, and remarked how he liked my apartment.  Since I love pseudonyms let’s call him…. uhm…. Bob (I’m not feeling very creative at the moment, so Bob it is).  Right.  So the conversation went a little something like this:

Bob: Wow. Nice bongos (actual bongos – get your mind out of the gutter). Do you play drums?

Me:  Nope.

B: So where did you get them, then?

M: Oh, I… uhm, acquired them.

B: You acquired them?  That’s a good way of putting it. 

M: Ya. Haha.

We threw back a few beverages and Bob noticed my guitar.

B: Nice guitar.  Do you play? 

M: Yep.  Sorta. I’m better at piano (I always have to throw that one in).  Do you play? 

B: Yep. 

M: Sweet. Give it a whirl. 

Bob strummed for a bit and then sat back and took a gander at the instrument. 

B: Whats with the number 7 on the back? 

M: Oh, uhm, I acquired that too. 

B: Ha, that too huh? 

M: Yep.  Back in the day, from highschool.  

On our way out to the bar, Bob noticed my fabulous sunglasses collection on that random shelf  I chuck my keys on. 

B: Sweet. Nice glasses. 

He was referring to my funky looking aviator glasses. 

M: Thanks. 

B: Did you acquire these too? 

M: Ha. No, I actually purchased those.  They were $7.50 at H&M.  Afforable, ya know?

B: Hmm, I might have to acquire those from you. 

M: Ha. Nice one, buddy.  But I think not. 

The next day I sat back and looked at all of the stuff in my apartment and realized that I acquired a large amount of  it.  By acquired I mean one of the following:

a) Someone gave it to me;

b) It belonged to someone else and they never took it back;

c) It was something that I forgot to return, or

d) It was something that I ‘forgot’ to return.    

Things I have acquired in my apartment include, but are not limited to:

My couch

My cats


My basketball uniform

My drill and tools

My computer

My funky coffee table, no wait, I bought that one

My computer chair

My winter coat

My kitchen table and chairs

A portion of my books

My patio chair

My instruments

Some sweet paintings

Pots and pans

Martini & wine glasses

My vacuum….

Okay, I think that’s it…. for now.  

It’s called starving artist for a reason, you know. I mean, how can I deny free stuff? Right?  Right.  And in my defense, most of the stuff was given to me, I swear it, really I do.  

Some things I’d like to acquire in the future… a winning lotto ticket, a piano, a car, a sugar daddy… this list could go on and on really, so I’ll stop there.  

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So, this morning as I headed out for break, I noticed a not half bad looking dude and his buddy chatting it up.  I generally give everyone the benefit of the doubt, so I thought, 

‘Hmmm, not bad, not bad at all.’

Until he opened his mouth.  

No word of a lie, this is exactly what he said,

‘So, like, what are carbs?  That’s like, meat, right? Are there carbs in meat?’


Is this guy from Mars?  Does he live under a goddamn rock?  I mean, come on people.  Are there carbs in meat?! 

At first I thought he was joking, but to my extreme disappointment, he was serious.  His verbal diarrhea continued as he probed his buddy some more about where carbs are, if they aren’t in meat.


What kind of idiotic question is that?  Even if you aren’t a health nut, I would have assumed that it was literally impossible not to know your basics – carbs, protein etc. as it’s all over the damn media 24/7.  Good for you, bad for you, good for you, bad for you….. 

I’m all about eating everything and anything, in moderation of course.  If I deny myself anything yummy, I turn into superbitch – or so they say. So I chose happiness….but this is not the point.  

I guess it’s true what they say – you really can’t judge a book by its cover.

Especially when the friggin’ pages inside are BLANK.

Way to ruin my fantasy, buddy.  Thanks for coming out. 


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