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Archive for January, 2009

On customer service…

Lady: Can I help?

Me: I need to put money on my pre-paid Digicel.

Lady: We don’t do that here.

Me: Oh, I thought the sign said you did <gestures to sign>.

Lady: No, we only do Digicel.

Me: Uhh… that’s what I wanted.

Lady: <Walks away and mumbles>

Me: Sooooo where do I go to get it then?

Lady: <With much attitude>  I don’t know what you want!

Me: <Raises eyebrows> I guess I don’t know either.  I want to top up my Digicel.

Lady: Is it local?

Me: Yes.

Lady: <Points> Go pay to her.

Apparently the confusion stemmed from the fact that I didn’t say ‘top up’ from the start.  I suppose without those two words I must sound like I’m speaking a language other than English. Either that or it’s brain surgery <— notice I didn’t say rocket science?  I’m taking the advice of an interesting post by In Ether, which I completely agree with.  Rocket scientists get all the credit, and I generally use the phrase

a) out of habit, and

b) because I’m too lazy to think of anything to put in it’s place.

Although, I have noticed I use it quite often, and now I believe I will come up with much better inserts.  It should be pretty entertaining… stay tuned.

*******

On marriage….

Air Conditioner Man: Are you the new tenant?

Me: No, my mom lives here.  I’m here also… for now.

Air Man: Oh, well I bet your husband will follow you here.

Me: <laughs> Nope, not married.

Air Man: What?! Why not?! What are you waiting for?! You should be married.

Me: It’s not me. It’s them.

Air Man: <laughs> Mmm hmm.  Well, I have been with my girl now for over 10 years.

Me: That’s great! Are you married?

Air Man: No.

Me: So, what are you waiting for?

Air Man: <shrugs>

******

Later that day…

Mom: The air man was talking about you.  He went on and on.

Me: Mmm hmm. We had a discussion about marriage.

******

On arms…

Random Stranger: I would give my arm for you.

Me: Uh… that wouldn’t be wise.

Random: Why?

Me: Well, you would be less an arm that you need, and I would have an extra arm that’s not needed.

(Yes, I realize that I’m a total ass sometimes, but hey, that comes with the package. This could be some insight to my marriage-less lifestyle.)

******

On politics and friends….

Random Navy Dude: Hi, I noticed you from over there <points>.

Me: Uh huh.  What’s up?

Navy: <general introductions and small talk>

Me: <rambles on about politics>

Navy: I can’t believe a girl like you is so into politics!

Me: Why? Because I’m female, or because I’m Canadian?

Navy: <Shifts eyes and changes subject> I noticed you from over there <points>.

Me: Yes, we’ve established that.

Navy: So why are you here alone?

Me: I’m waiting on my friend <points to ice cubes melting in rum and coke>.  He’s in traffic.

Navy: Is he your ‘friend’ or your ‘friend‘?

Me: My ‘friend’.. the platonic kind <wonders where the F friend is>.

Enter Friend

Navy: <introduces to friend> so you are ‘just friends’?

Me: <bugs out eyes to friend with a look that says ‘save me‘>

Friend: Yes.

Navy: How come? She is a good girl, you know <rambles on many more reasons why I’m ‘good’ and grabs my hand>

Me: <feeling awkward, guzzles back rest of drink> Uh, it was very nice meeting you, have fun in the navy <begins to leave and starts humming ‘In the Navy’>

Friend: <Mumbles>

Me: <Falls down steps while trying to escape.  Hurts feet and ankle tremendously.  Embarrassed as hell, but continues on>

Friend: Hold on.  Shit. Are you okay? Wait… stop… <catches up>

Navy: <shouts as I’m leaving> I’ll be back in March, I’ll be looking for you.

Me: Uh…okay.

Friend: <Laughs>

Me: <limping, ponders life, wonders if I’ll ever meet a man that will put up with my bullshit>

******

On Heckling…

Truck full of Randoms: <to the woman walking out of the instant teller> Weeee! Whooooo! Gyal! Psssssst!

Woman: <while munching on a  KFC snack pack> You do not have what I want.  Ain’t got what I want at all. <takes bite out of fried chicken>

Me: <laughs and thinks, that’s a good line… I’m going to use that one>

Randoms: How ’bout some of dis gyal <points to groin area and shakes it around>

Woman: I said you ain’t got what I want <devours rest of chicken leg>.

*******

On group tours…

Visitor R: I went on the rum tour today.

Me: Cool, how did you like it?

VR: Well, I was the only one on the tour.

Me: Awesome. Your own personal tour.

VR: Ya, well, the tour guide still treated me like I was a group of people.

Me: <laughs> What?

VR: Ya, I tried to ask her a question and she asked me to hold my questions till the end to avoid disrupting the rest of the group.

******

On being a dick…

Me: <sitting on patio>

Visitor T: <shakes on door from inside> Boo!

Me: <sarastically rolls eyes> It doesn’t work from the inside, you know.  You can only scare me if you do that from the outside.

VT: <laughs> What? I said Boone.  Boone! The name of the character from LOST we were trying to remember all night?

Me: <laughs> Ohhhhh. I thought you were trying to scare me.

VT: <laughs> You’re a dick.

Me: <nods> Ya.

*******

On confusing the unwanted…

Visitor M: Watch this.  All I have to do is speak French to people who bug me, and they totally back off.

Me: <laughs> That’s such a good idea.  I wish I was better at French.

VM:  It doesn’t even matter what you say.  They don’t know the difference.

Me: Like, ouvre la fenetre? or l’anana? or telefrancais? or ou est la toilette?

VM: Yep.  Oh, here comes some <motions with eyes>.  Watch this.

Randoms: <various pick up lines and offers of drugs>

VM: <speaks French for 2 minutes>

Randoms: <laugh hysterially while backing away cautiously>

Me: So. Awesome.

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Call me crazy (like you haven’t already…), but I love washing cars.  I don’t know what’s so intriguing about it for me.

Is it because I get to play with bubbles?

Or, could it be that I get to play with the hose?

How about because I get a nice tan while doing it?

Maybe, it’s the way the water bounces off the car and mists onto my face.

Is it the way it looks so shiny afterwards?

Or, is it the sense of accomplishment because I made it look so shiny?

Is it because I like to clean things?

Well, definitely not the last one.  I like things clean, but would prefer things to clean themselves… other than cars, obviously.

Hmmm.  Really, I’m stumped.

Anyhoo, today I washed my mom’s car… mainly because she had clients flying in and I left enough sand to build a castle inside. So I figured, after I de-sanded it, I would give the exterier a nice washing.

I literally took hours (I’m on island time, remember).  I found it so peaceful and relaxing.  I popped on my ipod and gave that sucker a scrubbing it will never forget.  I refused to finish until every little smudge and watermark had been eliminated, and I could see my reflection.  It didn’t even upset me that my brilliant wash eventually got rained on.

Many passers-by took notice of my impeccable car washing skills.  I swear it.  It wasn’t my car washing attire, which included a bikini underneath a tube top and cargo cut offs. It was the skills.  Really, it was.  It also wasn’t because I was belting out the tunes on my ipod.  Nope.  Skills, all the way baby.  Skills are hard to come by.

Wax on, silentorchestra-san, wax on.

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