Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Randomness’ Category

677_corn_character

Oh, public transit, how I missed you so.

Well, not really… but, you know.

Some things I’ve experienced lately on the brilliant red rocket:

a) Now, I know I’ve expressed this multiple times, but really, I just can’t get over it.  Eating on public transit gives me the heebee geebees.  Not the granola bar kind of eating… more like… corn on the cob kind of eating.

Yes…

Corn.

On.

The.

Cob.

Really? Wow. Thank you, random woman, for an amusing, yet repulsing subway ride.  She mashed up that corn like it was nobody’s business.  I’m talking, big, juicy chomps from left to right.  Corn pieces in her teeth and all. Buttery salt dripping down her face and onto her pants.  Buttery hands slathering the germ infested pole.  Buttery fingers in her mouth.  Finger licking good.

b) Last night I witnessed a man take off his shoes, place his feet up on the seat and attempt the daily crossword. After getting over my initial disgust, I wondered why someone would voluntarily show off their dirty white socks.  Come on now.  At least wear brown or black. The nerve of some people.

c) Sometimes I feel that people are on transit so much that they forget they aren’t actually in their washroom.  This goes for nail clippers, make-up appliers, eyebrow pluckers, and…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Flossers.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Please, please fling your plaque at me. It would go great with my outfit.

Luckily I don’t venture into the wild without my trusty book, which in turn acts as a fabulous shield to this type of nonsense.

d) Now, this one is not technically public transit… but it involves a car, which is a method of transit, so I’ll let it slide.  At the gas station, as I was inside paying for gas, my friend was approached by two random bums who smelled like ass roses.  They asked her for money, to which she replied…

Friend: Ugh… I don’t really have any.

Roses: Do you have debit?

Wow.  Beggars are really moving on with the times, huh? Debit?!

Since they didn’t want to seem to leave the surrounding area of the car, she ended up giving about two dollars worth of change.

Roses: Don’t you have any more?  You got a five?

Wow.

Enough said.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

roger moore

I’ve had  a handful of friends pass away in the past while, and one that is always and forever on my mind is Noel.

I never got over it.  I never had closure. I still have a hard time believing that he’s gone.

It’s pretty difficult for me to talk about this kind of thing, even though technically I’m only writing it.

We met in college, and instantly formed a tight little crew that was always up for ruckus. Nothing but good times.

He was a unique, old soul.  He idolized Dean Martin.  He belted out Sinatra tunes. He could pull off a smoking jacket like nobody’s business. He always had a sarcastic remark on the tip of his tongue.  He always made me smile. Always.

He loved his cheap ass Roger Moore 007 collector’s addition lighter.  He handled that thing like it was a prized possession.   I swiped it from him once.  He never knew it was me at first, but eventually caught on since I used it constantly.   I tried to make it up to him by replacing it with a Sean Connery 007 lighter, but to no avail.

I never returned that lighter.

A few years after school, a bunch of the crew went their separate ways.  We planned a reunion around Christmas holiday, since everyone was back in town.  Noel wrote a good friend an email expressing his excitement to see everyone. She still has the email.

He never showed.

After the holidays we all went back to our respective dwellings.  I was living in Barbados at the time, my good friend was in Vancouver… etc etc.  A few months passed and I received an alarming email forward.

One sentence, explaining that Noel had passed away, months ago. We were all in shock.  None of us knew.

How could we not know? Why were we just finding out? What the hell happened?

I was so angry.  It broke my heart.  It was not an ideal way to find out a friend had died… months after the fact.

Months.

His exwife was the one who sent the message.  Although there were many attempts to find out what happened to him, the truth never surfaced.

I still don’t know.

I’m confused as to what the big secret is, and I will never have closure until I know.  Never.

I think about it all the time.  My friend and I talk about it constantly, and try to use our pro-star investigative journalism skills, but always come up short.

A few years ago, I was in my mom’s hometown at her storage unit.  I glanced at the top of a large pile of garbage, and saw the Roger Moore lighter sitting on top.  I was shocked.  I hadn’t seen that lighter in years.  And there it was.  Almost strategically placed on top of a pile of junk.  I picked it up.  I tried it.  It still worked.

That lighter appears in the most bizarre places.  Always.  Still.

Present day:

Two weeks ago I was on a cruise.  As I was getting ready for bed, I opened my bag, and there it was.  I don’t remember seeing it before I left Canada to move to Barbados.  I don’t remember seeing it the entire time I was here. At all.  I was groggy, smiled, and threw it back in the bag.

Today he popped into my head.  I thought about old times.  I wondered all the things I’ve wondered in the past. I opened up the bag, and pulled out the lighter.

The copyright date is 1999.  His teeth marks are at the bottom. Parts of Roger Moore are faded.  Some of the plastic is peeling off.  The metal part is rusted.

I tried it.

It still works.

A smile graced my face.

I miss you Noel.

This one’s for you, buddy.

Cheers.

Read Full Post »

funny-cartoon-posters2

I enjoy making random lists of meaningless crap.

That’s right, you heard me.

Lists of important, to-do information… not so much.

So, meaningless crap it is. Specifically, in this case, fortune cookie fortunes.

Hooray!

Right. Now that we have that settled…

Recently, I ate a massive quantity of fortune cookies.  Mama buys in bulk.  This sometimes works to my advantage, depending on the merchandise. At any rate, I’ve never taken the fortune cookie junk seriously, obviously since I’m such a cynical ass,  but these are some doozies:

1.  A letter of great importance may reach you any day now.

Wow. Really? It may reach me any day?  Good one.  That couldn’t be more obscure.

2. You or a close friend will be married within a year.

Huh. Doing pretty well with that one, eh? I mean, I almost always go to a wedding at least once a year. But, I especially like how they stuck the ‘you’ in there… ya know, to give that teeny, tiny glimmer of hope.

3. You will reach high levels of intelligence.

What? Are you implying that I haven’t already? Asshole.

4. Hidden in a valley beside an open stream, this is the type of place where you will find your dream.

Cheese! I mean, come on now fortune cookie fortune writer, let’s get practical, shall we?

5. You will have many bright days soon.

Soon? Ha. How uplifting.

6. Your ability for accomplishment will follow with success.

Doesn’t it generally? Thank you captain fucking obvious. I especially like the use of synonyms in this one.  ‘A’ for effort.

7. You are a considerate and thoughtful person.

Damn straight… mostly.  At least they got something right.

8. Your place in the path is in the driver’s seat.

Soooo… I should take up racing, then?

9. You will win success at whatever you adopt.

Win success? Is this a game? The game of… wait for it, waaaiit for it…  life? According to fortune #6, technically I will ‘accomplish’ success. Right.

10. You are realistic.

Okay, first of all, what the hell kind of ‘fortune’ is that?  Second, if you knew I was realistic, you’d know I think this is a load of crap, and would have probably written something more to the effect of,

11. Stop procrastinating, you sarcastic ass.


Read Full Post »

I know you’ve all been waiting for this.

Come on, stop pretending like you have no clue what I’m talking about.

You’re excited. You know you are.

I know you’ve been wondering, right?

No need to be ashamed.

I know you’re thinking,

“Hmm… I wonder what ever happened to that girl’s neighbour, Barbados the  Cable Guy, and his rocket launcher that took up the entire backyard. Has there been any unexplainable sightings? Was there an official launch? Do the children still climb on it?”

Well, you are in luck, my friends.

It just so happens that Barbados the Cable Guy has made some… uh, adjustments, that are quite amusing indeed.  Last week I counted five space technicians… (lacking their appropriate outfits of course), fiddling and twiddling with the mighty launcher.

There was some serious fiddling going on here, people.

Serious.

They brought out the plastic lawn chair and everything for this.  Special occasions always need a plastic lawn chair. It’s just not special without it.

They also dragged more poles, and what-chu-ma-call-its into the yard.  Even the children were involved.  This was a very important event.  I was hoping they’d finish last week… but you know, island-time and whatnot.

I only have two weeks left and I’m afraid I’ll miss the official launch.  This upsets me greatly.

And yes, the children still climb on it.

I have yet to witness any unexplainable sightings, although I did see a family of monkeys pointing at it,  huddled in a nearby tree.

Are the planning to destroy it, or use it to their benefit?

Only time will tell.

I took the liberty of taking a picture from the second floor window (mind the glare), so you can have a bird’s eye view and whatnot.  Still, this does not do it justice.

And yet still, I sit and stare at it, wondering what on earth could possibly be the point.  But then again, maybe earth has nothing to do with it….

And so the mystery continues.

The Mighty Launcher

The Mighty Launcher

Read Full Post »

So…

Last week I experienced my first ever cruise. Hooray for cheap travel deals.

First, so as I don’t come off as a total and complete asshole, let’s start with the positives.

I mean, don’t get me wrong… I am extremely grateful to have had the opportunity of a travel-filled, work-free, 4 days.

But you know me, right? or if you don’t… well, there’s always something, because, if there wasn’t, then that wouldn’t be me in my finest form.

So, take it or leave it… whatever floats your boat <— wow, how’s that for cliche, huh?

Nice.  Anyhoo, right… positives:

a) Got to spend time with the mama.

b) Caught up on my reading.  It’s been a while, and it was nice to escape into fictional dysfunction.

c) Loved visiting the islands we stopped at: St. Lucia, Antigua, St. Kitts, San Juan.

d) Had the honour of borrowing a SLR Nikon digital camera with two superb lenses… which is something I’ve wanted for a very, very, long time.  It was  extremely difficult to return it to its rightful owner. The camera became a part of me on that trip… and… well, yes, I miss it.

e) Love the ocean. Loved being on the ocean.

f) As if I needed to state the obvious… no work, equals happy.

I suppose since I’m not much experienced with the term, ‘Fun Ship’, the Disney meets Vegas on water extravaganza was at first, ultimately overwhelming and surprising.  When they say “carnival” they really mean it.  Really.

It was literally as if the population of a small town, floated along, unaware of the rest of the world.

Over 3000+ passengers, excluding the crew.

Feeding time was definitely the most interesting and entertaining. Name your cuisine – it’s there.

In monstrous amounts. Literally.

Piles of it. Piles of it being shoveled onto the plates of pushy, obnoxious vultures passengers.

I mean, think about people.  It’s called ‘all-inclusive’ for a reason.  The food’s not going anywhere.  There’s enough to feed the entire boat, 3 times over.

No need to push.

No need to cut in line.

No need to shove someone aside to get to the eggs first.

There’s more.  Really. Piles, I tell you.

Piles.

Another amazing thing about feeding time, is the inclination that people have with the buffet.  I have never, in my entire lifetime, seen so many people wolf down so much food.  Yes, the option is there… but, is it necessary to try and eat as much as humanly possible?  Some people literally filled plates with enough to feed a small army… and continued to return for more.  Wowzers.

Blows my mind.

Rules are a must on a ship like this.  I mean, obviously.  How else could you control such a large amount of people? Surprisingly, the bulk of the passengers followed them quite effectively.

I, on the other hand, not always so much.  I’m not too fond of rules, you see.  Rules are made to be broken.

What if I don’t want to eat at 6pm sharp?

What if I don’t want to sit at table 583 with two women that apparently don’t understand the concept of ‘friendly chit-chat’?

Orientation? What orientation?

Tell me to be back at 3.30pm or the ship will leave? I’ll be back at 4pm. Wait for me.

What if I don’t want to pack at 9pm the night before and leave the luggage outside of my room for you to pick up only for you to neglect to leave the tags and therefore also our disembarking zone number so that I have to stand in a line of 50 people waiting to talk to a service agent that can’t help me and all I want to know is when I can get off the damn boat?

Every few hours we were greeted with the overly caffeinated voice of ‘Squishy’, announcing one rule or another, or promoting whichever event was planned.  I wish I had a soundbite of his voice. He was definitely cruisin’ for a bruisin’…

<ding, ding, ding>

6.30am

“Goooooood morning cruisers!!!! It’s your fave pal SQUISHY! Good, ya?! Hope you’re having a lovely day and just a reminder that…. (rule a, rule b, rule c, rule d, rule e, rule f, rule g, rule h)….. oh and…. <static> …… Ooops! Silly me… seems I’m not sure how to use this intercom-thing-a-mi-giggy. …. <Static>…. OOPS! okay… there we go… right.  So, RISE and SHINE cruisers… here’s what’s on for today…..”

I almost half expected Squishy to announce something to the effect of,

“Now remember, cruisers, one foot in front of the other.  Left… right… left… right….”

Mama and I had quite a laugh, while trying to avoid mass herds of people… everywhere.

And yes, I realize… cruise… boat… enclosed… people… what did I expect, right?

I know, I know.  But I believe the outcome would have been different if there were more like, 300 passengers, and less… spectacle.  We didn’t partake in much of the events or shows, although I did enjoy the piano bar… and the piano man… until he repeated the same set for the third time in the same night, and then, well, it got a little old.

I don’t know, I guess for me, I don’t need much to be entertained.  A little bit of dinner, a little bit of good company, a little bit of chit-chat, a little bit of live music, a little bit of wine, and a lot of nice scenery… meh… that’s enough for me.

The amount of options of things to do on this ship blew my mind.  Comedy night, magic show, trivia, casino, dance contests, spas, games, etc etc…  And ya, great for families.  I mean, brilliant idea… there’s no way the kids could be bored in that environment… well, unless the kid is like me, and I’m an oddity, so, well… right.  So really, thumbs up for that.

But you know, it’s interesting.  Here’s a however many day (we hopped on in the middle, thank god) Caribbean cruise.  You would think, maybe just a little, that maybe, just maybe…. some of the passengers might be interested in, oh, I don’t know, Caribbean culture?

I mean, on the rare occasion that I actually heard some Caribbean music on the boat (just once to be exact), I overheard about 3 people wishing they would, ‘turn that crap off’ and I assume, turn up the latest Rod Stewart’s Greatest Hits Album.  And also, although there was an endless amount of food, there was not a drop of Caribbean cuisine.

So, basically, you choose to travel to see new places and experience new things, so long as you are still traveling in America, the boat version.  Then only to get off the boat and shop at the exact same duty free shops you saw at the airport, and every other docking port.

I don’t know.  To each his own, I guess.  But my favourite part of the trip was wandering far, far, away from the port, getting lost in search for the bus station, talking to strangers, exploring historical sites, taking tons of pictures, and drinking beer illegally in a paper coffee cup on good Friday… but you know, that’s just me.

emergencyexitcruise

Read Full Post »

I always say how I remember my dreams, and that mostly, they are batshit crazy.  So, let’s reflect on last night’s dream, shall we?

It started off in my elementary school gym (this is common), with a mix of current friends, old co-workers and people I haven’t seen since elementary school or high school (also common).

I walk into the gym and think,

Here I am again. Why do I keep dreaming this?’

I look over and see those old little benches.  I see a friend.  He doesn’t belong here. He cut his hair.  He looks funny.  He tells me to join their group.  I do.

I glance around the gym.  I remember how we used to do flips off the stage onto those oversized mats. I remember the back stage area, with that little room up top.  I remember the room they kept the balls in.  I remember the office that we used to steal stashes of candy and chips from.  I remember writing on the walls of change room.

I take a better look and notice some familiar faces.  Parents of old friends.  Teachers.  Old classmates.  Current friends.

I can’t make the connection.

A firefighter walks from the side of the gym with the weird playground that comes out of the wall.  He tells me we are going to have a competition, so be ready.

I ask what kind, but he disappears.

I sit back down beside Funny Haircut, and try to find out what’s happening.  He tells me to trust him.  So I sit.

It feels like hours….

Suddenly we are outdoors, no longer at the school.  We are in a strange forest.  There are people everywhere.  It’s foggy and the dew is making my feet wet.

There is a massive tree with a handmade ladder that reaches nearly to the clouds.  The ladder seems incredibly unsafe.

An older Italian man in a posh suit starts to climb.  It’s common knowledge that he’s a mafia boss, although I’ve never seen him before in my life.  I ask Funny Haircut what’s going on.  He pushes me towards the ladder and says it’s my turn.  I obey and start climbing.

Suddenly I’m at the top, and see all of the participants below, who now resemble ants.

I don’t know why I’m up there, so I start to climb down.  I’m pushed from an unknown person above, and begin to slide down the ladder.  The tongs break as I slide.

I’m not scared, because I’m not afraid of heights.  I continue to slide. My bare legs hit the leaves and branches on the way down.  They cut me in some places, but I don’t feel any pain….

I suddenly find myself in an open field, surrounded by trees.  I can’t see anyone, except for Funny Haircut.  He tells me this is the next part of the competition.  I think I’m doing pretty well and tell him to bring it on.

I stand there and wonder what is next.  I don’t see anyone.  I hear a buzz from far away.  It gradually gets closer.  I know that sound.  I think it sounds like….

BEES.

I cover my face and lay face down in the grass.  They swarm up my shirt, into my hair, and down my jeans.  I wonder when it was I changed from shorts to jeans.  I can feel them all over me.  Every single one.  The sound is so loud.  I can’t stand it.  I move my hands from my face and plug my ears.

I wonder when the bees will leave.  I don’t move a muscle. I am terrified. I wonder if I’ll die.

I hear a distant voice.  I think it’s Funny Haircut telling me to get up.  I cautiously unplug my ears.

‘Get up.’

I obey, stand up, and most of the bees drop off of me.  They die as they drop.  I frantically fling off the left over bees, while hysterically crying.  They are in my hair.  They are in my shirt, and down my pants.  I get angry with Funny Haircut and ask him why he would do this to me.  He tells me it’s part of the competition.

I check my body and realize I have not been stung.  We walk out of the field, through the trees and onto the next event….

Suddenly I’m in my old neighbourhood, the one I grew up in.

Funny Haircut and I are coming around the bend of the street where some of my friends used to live.  We were all staying at one girl’s house.  I am nervous about going there, since I haven’t seen her since high school and we had a falling out of sorts.  There are a bunch of people out front on her driveway yelling, including her mother.  Her mother frightens me in the June Cleaver/Stepford wife kind of way.

We pass another friend’s house first, and consider going in there.  We stop to say hi to her dad as usual, even though I know he has passed away.  He tells me,

‘Have a nice day Cricket’

He knows I hate that nickname.

He hands me a piece of lunch meat.  Funny Haircut and I share it, and walk over to the commotion.

June Cleaver approaches me and tells me that I owe her big-time.  I tell her she’s crazy and walk up to her daughter.  She still wears her hair the same and sports the brightest red lipstick possible.  She smiles and I politely smile back, because I need a place to sleep.  We walk in the front door….

Suddenly I’m in a car with my mom.  We are driving along the coast road, and I see the waves increasing.  I think to myself as she drives,

I’ve had this dream before.  The waves will flow up onto the road.  We will pass weird people in costume.  Someone will stop for happy hour.’

I wonder if I can change it.

As we drive I see the waves reach the road.  We pass people in pilgrim costumes.  They look out of place.

My mom is no longer driving.  We are in a taxi.  He pulls over and stops for happy hour.  We all get out, and stare at the waves with a crowd of people.  I look and see the taxi driver sucking back a rum and coke.  He’s wearing a pale yellow shirt and laughing.

I wake up.

I check my body for bee stings.

There are none.

Read Full Post »

Alrighty, Let it Blurt... it’s on.

Here are 10 things that I love and hate which begin with the letter ‘A’ (I took your advice on the Tao-ness of it all, and tried to alternate my loves and hates, but as you will soon find out, I failed in some spots).

But, first things first, you stole one of my words – anticipation – damn. I had a good one for that. But enough complaining, since that starts with ‘C’.

Ready? Set? Go…

broughtbya

1. Apples.

I love apples.  I love the crunchiness and sweetness of them.  I admire their versatility.  I’m pretty fond of them all by themselves, as juice, in a pie, or especially with cheese. I’ll take any variety I can get, although Granny Smith, Golden Delicious, MacIntosh  and Empire are my favourite.

2. Anxiety.

I have it, I hate it, it’s horrible.  I’ve had about a ten year relationship with anxiety, for reasons I won’t go into (that’s an entire post in itself), and have learned how to control it, to an extent.  I know exactly when an attack is coming on, and play a mind struggling game with myself to calm down.  Sometimes it’s effective, sometimes it’s not.  My only comfort is knowing that I’m not the only one.

3. Architecture.

I have a deep appreciation for architecture.  From a very young age, my dream was to be an architect.  My parents would collect random building and design magazines for me, which I would endlessly flip through for hours.  I drew pages upon pages of various house designs, complete with a variety of brick samples and window treatments.  I went through numerous pads of graph paper, and eventually designed an entire city.  My faux city included everything from gas stations, to silly street names, to garden designs,  to schools, to backyard pools. There was even a bridge that connected one side of the river (the burbs) to the other side (downtown).  I taped all of the pages together, and eventually it became too large to lay out in my living room.  Once I got to high school and was forced to partake in the ‘what do you want to be when you grow up’ lecture, I realized that math and physics were a much needed part of architecture.  I made an effort, especially with physics, and barely passed.  That was the exact point my dream went out the window, and the decision to become an eager onlooker took its place.  I made up for it by engulfing myself in the art history side of architecture, but to this day it is still one of my long lost dreams.

4. Assholes.

I had to do it.  I mean, how can I not if I’m using the letter ‘A’.  Hmmm. What to say about assholes?  And by assholes I’m referring to people that act like them, not the body part.  Well, I must say I don’t enjoy assholes, and can become quite frustrated and irritated with them.  But then at the same time I realize that I am also one myself at times, so therefore, this blurb is a contradiction, since I don’t hate myself.  Hmmm.

5. Argument.

I’m half and half on this one, which I suppose is fitting since it’s number five.  I love to argue, but in the debate sense of the word.  Sometimes I’ll take an opinion I don’t even agree with, to test my own knowledge or  just to hear see what kind of fuel the opposition has…. and I get bored and like to spice things up.  I don’t enjoy arguments that are intentionally or unintentionally hurtful.  These are not useful.

6. Amazement.

I love to be amazed.  It’s an incredible feeling, whether it be by a person, thing or event.

7. Aggressive.

I suppose there can be some advantages to being aggressive, but from my experience I’ve found that some people have a difficult time finding a happy medium between being overly aggressive and not aggressive enough.  It obviously depends on the situation, but I generally find aggressive behaviour a turn-off.

8. Apparently.

I love to use this word, mostly in its sarcastic sense, and find that I use it quite often.  Apparently.

9.  Apparitions.

Well, this is an interesting topic in itself.  I’m a pretty logical and rational person, so keeping that in mind, it would be sensible to conclude that I’m not one to believe in ghosts. My opinion of this was altered when I worked at a historical war site, where things happened that were completely unexplainable, while I was either alone, or in the company of others.  Things that were not just my eyes or coworkers, playing tricks on me.  Things I still can’t make sense of.  I’m still up in the air about this topic.

10. Art/artist

I am an artist, and love all things art related.  I try my best to appreciate all genres and works of art, although at times this can be challenging.  My artistic passion rests in drawing, painting, photography, writing and music.

11. Acquire.

Since I love to break the rules, and also love to acquire things… I’m acquiring an extra number on my list.  Ahhh, that felt good.  As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve pretty much acquired the majority of stuff that I own.  It’s not a materialistic thing for me as it’s rare that I acquire something with actual monetary value.  Most of it has personal meaning, and/or I really needed it – you know, like a couch or cooking utensils.

Yay! That was fun, and quite the entertaining time waster, for yours truly, the procrastination champion. Thanks 🙂

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »