Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘grinch’

*Sigh* Ah, it’s Monday yet again.  On a positive note (for me, anyways) it is the last Monday I that I will have to deal with my fabulous commute, and even better, my circus of a job.  Weeee!  With all of this in mind though, I still feel pretty lethargic today – the fact that it’s raining and that Coldplay is on repeat on my ipod probably doesn’t help.  

Speaking of rain, I have a question.  With all of the technological savvy things we have in our society today, why on earth has no one invented an umbrella that can withstand the wind without flipping over backwards?  Why?  I mean, we can GPS practically any location on earth, but we can’t make a sturdy umbrella?  Okay, I know these things have nothing to do with one another, but I can’t think of a better example so early in the morning.

Alrighty.

So now that I’ve been made aware that my director is absent today (by word of mouth, because god forbid I’m included in any kind of office correspondence – seriously, sometimes I really think that I may be invisible), I already have two posts in mind.  One of them is along my regular patterns, and the other not so much.  I’m going to start with the later, as I really need to get it off my chest and it contributes to my lethargic mood.  Maybe if I write it down my mood will lighten some. I don’t really feel like I can talk to anyone about it, so cyberspace, you’re it.  It will probably give some insight to my heightened Grinchiness at this time of year.  It’s all about feelings and whatnot, so if you aren’t in the mood, stop here.  You’ve been warned.

So, here we go.  My weekend had its moments, but in the end was not all that great.  To add to that, a family member, whom I love dearly, but really, really, really (I can’t stress that enough) knows how to push my buttons.  She knows just what to say to make me sob uncontrollably in an instant.  And even though she means well, sometimes she just won’t stop.  English is not her native tongue, so sometimes it comes out wrong.  But, even though she can hear my voice cracking through the phone, she pushes on. When I beg her to stop, she just keeps going. I completely understand the point she tries to get across, and I appreciate it, but sometimes it passes the point of being tactful. I understand she only wants the best, but some things are better left unsaid. But hey, that’s what family is for, right? Right.  

Anyhoo, most times I can brush it off, but I was already in one of those moods, you know?  I really felt as though she attacked my character, and that’s what got me in the end.  Here’s some background info:

I come from a divorced family like a large percentage of people. I’m sure  many are in worse situations than me, but everything is relative, and for me, at this moment, this is it.  Not only are my parents divorced, but I can count on one hand the number couples (cousins, aunts, uncles etc) that are still married in quite a large family.  Remarriages average from one to four times per person, with many children from each.  I’m not judging here, but this probably explains my lack of knowledge of what a ‘real’ relationship looks like, and why I have no idea what to do in one myself. Anyhoo, this is beside the point.  

In a nutshell, among others, the comment that got me this weekend was something to the effect of, 

‘You treat people that try to help you like shit, and kiss the ass of those that treat you badly.’

This really offended me, big time.  I mean, I try my best, now, to treat everyone fairly.  I know when I was younger things were different, but I was a lost soul and immature.  I try my best to please everyone, but in the end, it generally bites me in the ass.

Every time I go home I hear one side bash the other openly in front of my face, as the other side probably secretly bashes the other, but at least they leave me out of it.  Each time I go home to drama.  

Drama, drama, drama.  

The holiday’s have always consisted of me driving from one city to another, trying to please everyone, but still shot down with guilt trips, because no matter how thin I stretch myself, it’s never good enough.  

Why can’t you come here for this?  Why do you have to be with them for that? Why this, why that. Why can’t you digest five meals in one day?  Why can’t you stay here, or there?  Why do you put up with this, why do you put up with that? Why don’t you say this, why don’t you say that?  

Blah, blah, blah.

What bothers me is, it seems that no one stops to think about what it’s like for me. It doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the case, but that is how I see it from my eyes.  

Ya, no one is perfect, that’s life.  Sometimes, some people may treat me like shit, but I’m not going to change who I am as a person because of that.  I know I’ve said before that I’m a big karma believer.  I’m all about getting back what you put in, and trying to treat people how you would like to be treated yourself. So when I get the shaft, or whatnot, and am suddenly asked for support in some way, I still give it. Why? Because it’s my family, and I care.  Easy as that.  I’m not going to hold a grudge for years and years (although this is quite common in my family) because of ill spoken words or actions. Sometimes things are just the way they are, and you have to deal with it.  Some things are harder than others.  Some people and some things, will never change. Some people don’t mean what they say, and other’s don’t say what they mean. Some situations are not how you envision them be, no matter how hard you try. 

And yes, I’m aware of my own faults, and as if that’s not enough, I am continuously reminded by people. Yes, I’m not confrontational enough.  Yes, I let things slide too often.  Yes, I don’t express my emotions enough. Yes, I hold it all in too long. Yes, I get very defensive.  And, yes, apparently, I aim to please.

These are things I can work on, but in the grand scheme of things, so what?  Why are people so quick to judge and point out your faults, but not your positive traits? It’s always about how I’m not doing this or that, and I should be one way or the other.

What’s wrong with just being me? Is that really so horrible? Now, I’m not saying this to be conceited or narcissistic, but I actually like who I am, and I think that’s a pretty huge accomplishment.  

I know family says things because they care etc etc, but due to contrary belief, I am one sensitive little lady. I may seem like I’m a tough cookie sometimes, but really, deep down, I’m not.  

And this, dear cyberspace, is why I hate the holiday’s and can’t wait get out of here. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, enter drama. I wish for one visit, I could sit back and enjoy the company of the people I love. It’s unfortunate, but I seem to have greater mental stability when I’m not in close vicinity of all of the drama.  

For once, I wish people would just appreciate my efforts, and leave it at that. For once, I wish I wasn’t made to feel like everything is at the fault of my own actions. I make mistakes, I say the wrong things, I don’t stand up for myself enough, and stand up too much for people that don’t always deserve it.  

After all, I’m only human.  

Okie dokes.  Congratulations to anyone that made it through that, and who ever you are, thanks for listening.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »