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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

677_corn_character

Oh, public transit, how I missed you so.

Well, not really… but, you know.

Some things I’ve experienced lately on the brilliant red rocket:

a) Now, I know I’ve expressed this multiple times, but really, I just can’t get over it.  Eating on public transit gives me the heebee geebees.  Not the granola bar kind of eating… more like… corn on the cob kind of eating.

Yes…

Corn.

On.

The.

Cob.

Really? Wow. Thank you, random woman, for an amusing, yet repulsing subway ride.  She mashed up that corn like it was nobody’s business.  I’m talking, big, juicy chomps from left to right.  Corn pieces in her teeth and all. Buttery salt dripping down her face and onto her pants.  Buttery hands slathering the germ infested pole.  Buttery fingers in her mouth.  Finger licking good.

b) Last night I witnessed a man take off his shoes, place his feet up on the seat and attempt the daily crossword. After getting over my initial disgust, I wondered why someone would voluntarily show off their dirty white socks.  Come on now.  At least wear brown or black. The nerve of some people.

c) Sometimes I feel that people are on transit so much that they forget they aren’t actually in their washroom.  This goes for nail clippers, make-up appliers, eyebrow pluckers, and…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Flossers.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Please, please fling your plaque at me. It would go great with my outfit.

Luckily I don’t venture into the wild without my trusty book, which in turn acts as a fabulous shield to this type of nonsense.

d) Now, this one is not technically public transit… but it involves a car, which is a method of transit, so I’ll let it slide.  At the gas station, as I was inside paying for gas, my friend was approached by two random bums who smelled like ass roses.  They asked her for money, to which she replied…

Friend: Ugh… I don’t really have any.

Roses: Do you have debit?

Wow.  Beggars are really moving on with the times, huh? Debit?!

Since they didn’t want to seem to leave the surrounding area of the car, she ended up giving about two dollars worth of change.

Roses: Don’t you have any more?  You got a five?

Wow.

Enough said.

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south-park-canada-on-strike

It’s like another South Park episode waiting to happen.

I’m not a big fan of strikes.  It happens constantly in this city.  This time it’s city workers.  Yup folks, that means garbage pick up too.  It’s only day two and there are already piles of garbage forming.

One of the issues is that the strikers are also picketing the drop off sights… so… where the hell are people supposed to put their waste? By-law workers are actually cutting open garbage bags to get names and addresses of people that have illegally dumped their trash. Many of the public garbage cans have been taped over… with the hopes that people will carry their garbage with them.  Where to, you ask?  Uhm, I’m not sure about this one, but maybe there is a magic garbage fairy that I’ve yet to meet.

Why the strike?  Something about 18 sick days… and that’s when I stop listening and get angry.  First off, be happy you even have a job in this shit recession.  Secondly, the past 5 jobs I’ve had didn’t even offer sick days.  You’re sick, sucks for you – no pay. So the fact that people out there still get sick days makes me jealous. And last but not least, you work for the city and probably get paid a killing… again… jealous.

So to top all of this off, the LCBO feels like they also need to go on strike.  I guess they’re competitive. For those of you that aren’t Canadian… LCBO – Liquor Store.  We are not so lucky to have alcohol sold at gas stations, supermarkets or convenience stores.  Although we do have beers stores and private wine stores… but not close to me.

This strike is supposed to happen Wednesday.  I figure there’s going to be a lot of pissed off alcoholics roaming around the city.

Their strike reason – hiring more casual /partime workers than fulltime workers.  Uhm hello, welcome to the rest of the world.  Every other private business has been doing that for eons.  It’s about time you caught on. Jesus.

Morons breeding morons… that must be it… or… rocket science? Brain surgery?

I don’t know.  What I do know, is that I’ve been back in this city for a month and a half and I’m already back to my cynical, sarcastic, annoyed self.  I could ramble on and on about why… but I feel this post is satisfactory for now.

Got to save some of the juicy stuff, you know?

Well, time for me to take a nice stroll on a hot day, past mounds of stinky garbage so I can stock up on my booze.

Fun times.

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Something I’ve been wondering lately since summer weather is finally approaching…

When did it become okay for girls to wear shirts as dresses?

Am I missing something here?

Although I’m not a fan, and would not be caught dead wearing them, I can tolerate shirts with stretchy 80’s tights.

Mostly.  It’s taken some getting used to… but… mostly.

But ladies, please.

I realize it’s warm, although I do not believe this justifies wearing the shirt minus the 80’s stretchy tights.

Seriously.

What gives?

I do not want to see the bottom of your ass cheeks, nor do I want a peep show as you sit spread eagle on transit.

So listen up Britney wannabe’s – cover that shit up, you look like a cheap hooker.

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Funny-Cartoon-Posters7

Dear Silentorchestra,

What’s going on here? You said you were on top of things again.  Where have you been. Dude, wtf?

Love,

Blog.

****

Dear Blog,

Ya, I know, I know.  Moving from one country to another, adjusting, maid of honour duties, family affairs… these things have taken over as of late, but I’m back on track this time… promise?

Love,

Silentorchestra

****

Dear Silentorchestra,

Whatever, man. That’s what you said last time.

Love,

Blog

****

Dear Blog,

I know, I know. But this time is for real. I swear it.

Love,

Silentorchestra.

****

Dear Silentorchestra,

Okay. Last chance woman.

Love,

Blog.

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funny-cartoon-posters2

I enjoy making random lists of meaningless crap.

That’s right, you heard me.

Lists of important, to-do information… not so much.

So, meaningless crap it is. Specifically, in this case, fortune cookie fortunes.

Hooray!

Right. Now that we have that settled…

Recently, I ate a massive quantity of fortune cookies.  Mama buys in bulk.  This sometimes works to my advantage, depending on the merchandise. At any rate, I’ve never taken the fortune cookie junk seriously, obviously since I’m such a cynical ass,  but these are some doozies:

1.  A letter of great importance may reach you any day now.

Wow. Really? It may reach me any day?  Good one.  That couldn’t be more obscure.

2. You or a close friend will be married within a year.

Huh. Doing pretty well with that one, eh? I mean, I almost always go to a wedding at least once a year. But, I especially like how they stuck the ‘you’ in there… ya know, to give that teeny, tiny glimmer of hope.

3. You will reach high levels of intelligence.

What? Are you implying that I haven’t already? Asshole.

4. Hidden in a valley beside an open stream, this is the type of place where you will find your dream.

Cheese! I mean, come on now fortune cookie fortune writer, let’s get practical, shall we?

5. You will have many bright days soon.

Soon? Ha. How uplifting.

6. Your ability for accomplishment will follow with success.

Doesn’t it generally? Thank you captain fucking obvious. I especially like the use of synonyms in this one.  ‘A’ for effort.

7. You are a considerate and thoughtful person.

Damn straight… mostly.  At least they got something right.

8. Your place in the path is in the driver’s seat.

Soooo… I should take up racing, then?

9. You will win success at whatever you adopt.

Win success? Is this a game? The game of… wait for it, waaaiit for it…  life? According to fortune #6, technically I will ‘accomplish’ success. Right.

10. You are realistic.

Okay, first of all, what the hell kind of ‘fortune’ is that?  Second, if you knew I was realistic, you’d know I think this is a load of crap, and would have probably written something more to the effect of,

11. Stop procrastinating, you sarcastic ass.


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I know you’ve all been waiting for this.

Come on, stop pretending like you have no clue what I’m talking about.

You’re excited. You know you are.

I know you’ve been wondering, right?

No need to be ashamed.

I know you’re thinking,

“Hmm… I wonder what ever happened to that girl’s neighbour, Barbados the  Cable Guy, and his rocket launcher that took up the entire backyard. Has there been any unexplainable sightings? Was there an official launch? Do the children still climb on it?”

Well, you are in luck, my friends.

It just so happens that Barbados the Cable Guy has made some… uh, adjustments, that are quite amusing indeed.  Last week I counted five space technicians… (lacking their appropriate outfits of course), fiddling and twiddling with the mighty launcher.

There was some serious fiddling going on here, people.

Serious.

They brought out the plastic lawn chair and everything for this.  Special occasions always need a plastic lawn chair. It’s just not special without it.

They also dragged more poles, and what-chu-ma-call-its into the yard.  Even the children were involved.  This was a very important event.  I was hoping they’d finish last week… but you know, island-time and whatnot.

I only have two weeks left and I’m afraid I’ll miss the official launch.  This upsets me greatly.

And yes, the children still climb on it.

I have yet to witness any unexplainable sightings, although I did see a family of monkeys pointing at it,  huddled in a nearby tree.

Are the planning to destroy it, or use it to their benefit?

Only time will tell.

I took the liberty of taking a picture from the second floor window (mind the glare), so you can have a bird’s eye view and whatnot.  Still, this does not do it justice.

And yet still, I sit and stare at it, wondering what on earth could possibly be the point.  But then again, maybe earth has nothing to do with it….

And so the mystery continues.

The Mighty Launcher

The Mighty Launcher

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So…

Last week I experienced my first ever cruise. Hooray for cheap travel deals.

First, so as I don’t come off as a total and complete asshole, let’s start with the positives.

I mean, don’t get me wrong… I am extremely grateful to have had the opportunity of a travel-filled, work-free, 4 days.

But you know me, right? or if you don’t… well, there’s always something, because, if there wasn’t, then that wouldn’t be me in my finest form.

So, take it or leave it… whatever floats your boat <— wow, how’s that for cliche, huh?

Nice.  Anyhoo, right… positives:

a) Got to spend time with the mama.

b) Caught up on my reading.  It’s been a while, and it was nice to escape into fictional dysfunction.

c) Loved visiting the islands we stopped at: St. Lucia, Antigua, St. Kitts, San Juan.

d) Had the honour of borrowing a SLR Nikon digital camera with two superb lenses… which is something I’ve wanted for a very, very, long time.  It was  extremely difficult to return it to its rightful owner. The camera became a part of me on that trip… and… well, yes, I miss it.

e) Love the ocean. Loved being on the ocean.

f) As if I needed to state the obvious… no work, equals happy.

I suppose since I’m not much experienced with the term, ‘Fun Ship’, the Disney meets Vegas on water extravaganza was at first, ultimately overwhelming and surprising.  When they say “carnival” they really mean it.  Really.

It was literally as if the population of a small town, floated along, unaware of the rest of the world.

Over 3000+ passengers, excluding the crew.

Feeding time was definitely the most interesting and entertaining. Name your cuisine – it’s there.

In monstrous amounts. Literally.

Piles of it. Piles of it being shoveled onto the plates of pushy, obnoxious vultures passengers.

I mean, think about people.  It’s called ‘all-inclusive’ for a reason.  The food’s not going anywhere.  There’s enough to feed the entire boat, 3 times over.

No need to push.

No need to cut in line.

No need to shove someone aside to get to the eggs first.

There’s more.  Really. Piles, I tell you.

Piles.

Another amazing thing about feeding time, is the inclination that people have with the buffet.  I have never, in my entire lifetime, seen so many people wolf down so much food.  Yes, the option is there… but, is it necessary to try and eat as much as humanly possible?  Some people literally filled plates with enough to feed a small army… and continued to return for more.  Wowzers.

Blows my mind.

Rules are a must on a ship like this.  I mean, obviously.  How else could you control such a large amount of people? Surprisingly, the bulk of the passengers followed them quite effectively.

I, on the other hand, not always so much.  I’m not too fond of rules, you see.  Rules are made to be broken.

What if I don’t want to eat at 6pm sharp?

What if I don’t want to sit at table 583 with two women that apparently don’t understand the concept of ‘friendly chit-chat’?

Orientation? What orientation?

Tell me to be back at 3.30pm or the ship will leave? I’ll be back at 4pm. Wait for me.

What if I don’t want to pack at 9pm the night before and leave the luggage outside of my room for you to pick up only for you to neglect to leave the tags and therefore also our disembarking zone number so that I have to stand in a line of 50 people waiting to talk to a service agent that can’t help me and all I want to know is when I can get off the damn boat?

Every few hours we were greeted with the overly caffeinated voice of ‘Squishy’, announcing one rule or another, or promoting whichever event was planned.  I wish I had a soundbite of his voice. He was definitely cruisin’ for a bruisin’…

<ding, ding, ding>

6.30am

“Goooooood morning cruisers!!!! It’s your fave pal SQUISHY! Good, ya?! Hope you’re having a lovely day and just a reminder that…. (rule a, rule b, rule c, rule d, rule e, rule f, rule g, rule h)….. oh and…. <static> …… Ooops! Silly me… seems I’m not sure how to use this intercom-thing-a-mi-giggy. …. <Static>…. OOPS! okay… there we go… right.  So, RISE and SHINE cruisers… here’s what’s on for today…..”

I almost half expected Squishy to announce something to the effect of,

“Now remember, cruisers, one foot in front of the other.  Left… right… left… right….”

Mama and I had quite a laugh, while trying to avoid mass herds of people… everywhere.

And yes, I realize… cruise… boat… enclosed… people… what did I expect, right?

I know, I know.  But I believe the outcome would have been different if there were more like, 300 passengers, and less… spectacle.  We didn’t partake in much of the events or shows, although I did enjoy the piano bar… and the piano man… until he repeated the same set for the third time in the same night, and then, well, it got a little old.

I don’t know, I guess for me, I don’t need much to be entertained.  A little bit of dinner, a little bit of good company, a little bit of chit-chat, a little bit of live music, a little bit of wine, and a lot of nice scenery… meh… that’s enough for me.

The amount of options of things to do on this ship blew my mind.  Comedy night, magic show, trivia, casino, dance contests, spas, games, etc etc…  And ya, great for families.  I mean, brilliant idea… there’s no way the kids could be bored in that environment… well, unless the kid is like me, and I’m an oddity, so, well… right.  So really, thumbs up for that.

But you know, it’s interesting.  Here’s a however many day (we hopped on in the middle, thank god) Caribbean cruise.  You would think, maybe just a little, that maybe, just maybe…. some of the passengers might be interested in, oh, I don’t know, Caribbean culture?

I mean, on the rare occasion that I actually heard some Caribbean music on the boat (just once to be exact), I overheard about 3 people wishing they would, ‘turn that crap off’ and I assume, turn up the latest Rod Stewart’s Greatest Hits Album.  And also, although there was an endless amount of food, there was not a drop of Caribbean cuisine.

So, basically, you choose to travel to see new places and experience new things, so long as you are still traveling in America, the boat version.  Then only to get off the boat and shop at the exact same duty free shops you saw at the airport, and every other docking port.

I don’t know.  To each his own, I guess.  But my favourite part of the trip was wandering far, far, away from the port, getting lost in search for the bus station, talking to strangers, exploring historical sites, taking tons of pictures, and drinking beer illegally in a paper coffee cup on good Friday… but you know, that’s just me.

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