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Posts Tagged ‘random thoughts’

677_corn_character

Oh, public transit, how I missed you so.

Well, not really… but, you know.

Some things I’ve experienced lately on the brilliant red rocket:

a) Now, I know I’ve expressed this multiple times, but really, I just can’t get over it.  Eating on public transit gives me the heebee geebees.  Not the granola bar kind of eating… more like… corn on the cob kind of eating.

Yes…

Corn.

On.

The.

Cob.

Really? Wow. Thank you, random woman, for an amusing, yet repulsing subway ride.  She mashed up that corn like it was nobody’s business.  I’m talking, big, juicy chomps from left to right.  Corn pieces in her teeth and all. Buttery salt dripping down her face and onto her pants.  Buttery hands slathering the germ infested pole.  Buttery fingers in her mouth.  Finger licking good.

b) Last night I witnessed a man take off his shoes, place his feet up on the seat and attempt the daily crossword. After getting over my initial disgust, I wondered why someone would voluntarily show off their dirty white socks.  Come on now.  At least wear brown or black. The nerve of some people.

c) Sometimes I feel that people are on transit so much that they forget they aren’t actually in their washroom.  This goes for nail clippers, make-up appliers, eyebrow pluckers, and…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Flossers.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Please, please fling your plaque at me. It would go great with my outfit.

Luckily I don’t venture into the wild without my trusty book, which in turn acts as a fabulous shield to this type of nonsense.

d) Now, this one is not technically public transit… but it involves a car, which is a method of transit, so I’ll let it slide.  At the gas station, as I was inside paying for gas, my friend was approached by two random bums who smelled like ass roses.  They asked her for money, to which she replied…

Friend: Ugh… I don’t really have any.

Roses: Do you have debit?

Wow.  Beggars are really moving on with the times, huh? Debit?!

Since they didn’t want to seem to leave the surrounding area of the car, she ended up giving about two dollars worth of change.

Roses: Don’t you have any more?  You got a five?

Wow.

Enough said.

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south-park-canada-on-strike

It’s like another South Park episode waiting to happen.

I’m not a big fan of strikes.  It happens constantly in this city.  This time it’s city workers.  Yup folks, that means garbage pick up too.  It’s only day two and there are already piles of garbage forming.

One of the issues is that the strikers are also picketing the drop off sights… so… where the hell are people supposed to put their waste? By-law workers are actually cutting open garbage bags to get names and addresses of people that have illegally dumped their trash. Many of the public garbage cans have been taped over… with the hopes that people will carry their garbage with them.  Where to, you ask?  Uhm, I’m not sure about this one, but maybe there is a magic garbage fairy that I’ve yet to meet.

Why the strike?  Something about 18 sick days… and that’s when I stop listening and get angry.  First off, be happy you even have a job in this shit recession.  Secondly, the past 5 jobs I’ve had didn’t even offer sick days.  You’re sick, sucks for you – no pay. So the fact that people out there still get sick days makes me jealous. And last but not least, you work for the city and probably get paid a killing… again… jealous.

So to top all of this off, the LCBO feels like they also need to go on strike.  I guess they’re competitive. For those of you that aren’t Canadian… LCBO – Liquor Store.  We are not so lucky to have alcohol sold at gas stations, supermarkets or convenience stores.  Although we do have beers stores and private wine stores… but not close to me.

This strike is supposed to happen Wednesday.  I figure there’s going to be a lot of pissed off alcoholics roaming around the city.

Their strike reason – hiring more casual /partime workers than fulltime workers.  Uhm hello, welcome to the rest of the world.  Every other private business has been doing that for eons.  It’s about time you caught on. Jesus.

Morons breeding morons… that must be it… or… rocket science? Brain surgery?

I don’t know.  What I do know, is that I’ve been back in this city for a month and a half and I’m already back to my cynical, sarcastic, annoyed self.  I could ramble on and on about why… but I feel this post is satisfactory for now.

Got to save some of the juicy stuff, you know?

Well, time for me to take a nice stroll on a hot day, past mounds of stinky garbage so I can stock up on my booze.

Fun times.

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Something I’ve been wondering lately since summer weather is finally approaching…

When did it become okay for girls to wear shirts as dresses?

Am I missing something here?

Although I’m not a fan, and would not be caught dead wearing them, I can tolerate shirts with stretchy 80’s tights.

Mostly.  It’s taken some getting used to… but… mostly.

But ladies, please.

I realize it’s warm, although I do not believe this justifies wearing the shirt minus the 80’s stretchy tights.

Seriously.

What gives?

I do not want to see the bottom of your ass cheeks, nor do I want a peep show as you sit spread eagle on transit.

So listen up Britney wannabe’s – cover that shit up, you look like a cheap hooker.

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Funny-Cartoon-Posters7

Dear Silentorchestra,

What’s going on here? You said you were on top of things again.  Where have you been. Dude, wtf?

Love,

Blog.

****

Dear Blog,

Ya, I know, I know.  Moving from one country to another, adjusting, maid of honour duties, family affairs… these things have taken over as of late, but I’m back on track this time… promise?

Love,

Silentorchestra

****

Dear Silentorchestra,

Whatever, man. That’s what you said last time.

Love,

Blog

****

Dear Blog,

I know, I know. But this time is for real. I swear it.

Love,

Silentorchestra.

****

Dear Silentorchestra,

Okay. Last chance woman.

Love,

Blog.

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roger moore

I’ve had  a handful of friends pass away in the past while, and one that is always and forever on my mind is Noel.

I never got over it.  I never had closure. I still have a hard time believing that he’s gone.

It’s pretty difficult for me to talk about this kind of thing, even though technically I’m only writing it.

We met in college, and instantly formed a tight little crew that was always up for ruckus. Nothing but good times.

He was a unique, old soul.  He idolized Dean Martin.  He belted out Sinatra tunes. He could pull off a smoking jacket like nobody’s business. He always had a sarcastic remark on the tip of his tongue.  He always made me smile. Always.

He loved his cheap ass Roger Moore 007 collector’s addition lighter.  He handled that thing like it was a prized possession.   I swiped it from him once.  He never knew it was me at first, but eventually caught on since I used it constantly.   I tried to make it up to him by replacing it with a Sean Connery 007 lighter, but to no avail.

I never returned that lighter.

A few years after school, a bunch of the crew went their separate ways.  We planned a reunion around Christmas holiday, since everyone was back in town.  Noel wrote a good friend an email expressing his excitement to see everyone. She still has the email.

He never showed.

After the holidays we all went back to our respective dwellings.  I was living in Barbados at the time, my good friend was in Vancouver… etc etc.  A few months passed and I received an alarming email forward.

One sentence, explaining that Noel had passed away, months ago. We were all in shock.  None of us knew.

How could we not know? Why were we just finding out? What the hell happened?

I was so angry.  It broke my heart.  It was not an ideal way to find out a friend had died… months after the fact.

Months.

His exwife was the one who sent the message.  Although there were many attempts to find out what happened to him, the truth never surfaced.

I still don’t know.

I’m confused as to what the big secret is, and I will never have closure until I know.  Never.

I think about it all the time.  My friend and I talk about it constantly, and try to use our pro-star investigative journalism skills, but always come up short.

A few years ago, I was in my mom’s hometown at her storage unit.  I glanced at the top of a large pile of garbage, and saw the Roger Moore lighter sitting on top.  I was shocked.  I hadn’t seen that lighter in years.  And there it was.  Almost strategically placed on top of a pile of junk.  I picked it up.  I tried it.  It still worked.

That lighter appears in the most bizarre places.  Always.  Still.

Present day:

Two weeks ago I was on a cruise.  As I was getting ready for bed, I opened my bag, and there it was.  I don’t remember seeing it before I left Canada to move to Barbados.  I don’t remember seeing it the entire time I was here. At all.  I was groggy, smiled, and threw it back in the bag.

Today he popped into my head.  I thought about old times.  I wondered all the things I’ve wondered in the past. I opened up the bag, and pulled out the lighter.

The copyright date is 1999.  His teeth marks are at the bottom. Parts of Roger Moore are faded.  Some of the plastic is peeling off.  The metal part is rusted.

I tried it.

It still works.

A smile graced my face.

I miss you Noel.

This one’s for you, buddy.

Cheers.

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funny-cartoon-posters2

I enjoy making random lists of meaningless crap.

That’s right, you heard me.

Lists of important, to-do information… not so much.

So, meaningless crap it is. Specifically, in this case, fortune cookie fortunes.

Hooray!

Right. Now that we have that settled…

Recently, I ate a massive quantity of fortune cookies.  Mama buys in bulk.  This sometimes works to my advantage, depending on the merchandise. At any rate, I’ve never taken the fortune cookie junk seriously, obviously since I’m such a cynical ass,  but these are some doozies:

1.  A letter of great importance may reach you any day now.

Wow. Really? It may reach me any day?  Good one.  That couldn’t be more obscure.

2. You or a close friend will be married within a year.

Huh. Doing pretty well with that one, eh? I mean, I almost always go to a wedding at least once a year. But, I especially like how they stuck the ‘you’ in there… ya know, to give that teeny, tiny glimmer of hope.

3. You will reach high levels of intelligence.

What? Are you implying that I haven’t already? Asshole.

4. Hidden in a valley beside an open stream, this is the type of place where you will find your dream.

Cheese! I mean, come on now fortune cookie fortune writer, let’s get practical, shall we?

5. You will have many bright days soon.

Soon? Ha. How uplifting.

6. Your ability for accomplishment will follow with success.

Doesn’t it generally? Thank you captain fucking obvious. I especially like the use of synonyms in this one.  ‘A’ for effort.

7. You are a considerate and thoughtful person.

Damn straight… mostly.  At least they got something right.

8. Your place in the path is in the driver’s seat.

Soooo… I should take up racing, then?

9. You will win success at whatever you adopt.

Win success? Is this a game? The game of… wait for it, waaaiit for it…  life? According to fortune #6, technically I will ‘accomplish’ success. Right.

10. You are realistic.

Okay, first of all, what the hell kind of ‘fortune’ is that?  Second, if you knew I was realistic, you’d know I think this is a load of crap, and would have probably written something more to the effect of,

11. Stop procrastinating, you sarcastic ass.


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I know you’ve all been waiting for this.

Come on, stop pretending like you have no clue what I’m talking about.

You’re excited. You know you are.

I know you’ve been wondering, right?

No need to be ashamed.

I know you’re thinking,

“Hmm… I wonder what ever happened to that girl’s neighbour, Barbados the  Cable Guy, and his rocket launcher that took up the entire backyard. Has there been any unexplainable sightings? Was there an official launch? Do the children still climb on it?”

Well, you are in luck, my friends.

It just so happens that Barbados the Cable Guy has made some… uh, adjustments, that are quite amusing indeed.  Last week I counted five space technicians… (lacking their appropriate outfits of course), fiddling and twiddling with the mighty launcher.

There was some serious fiddling going on here, people.

Serious.

They brought out the plastic lawn chair and everything for this.  Special occasions always need a plastic lawn chair. It’s just not special without it.

They also dragged more poles, and what-chu-ma-call-its into the yard.  Even the children were involved.  This was a very important event.  I was hoping they’d finish last week… but you know, island-time and whatnot.

I only have two weeks left and I’m afraid I’ll miss the official launch.  This upsets me greatly.

And yes, the children still climb on it.

I have yet to witness any unexplainable sightings, although I did see a family of monkeys pointing at it,  huddled in a nearby tree.

Are the planning to destroy it, or use it to their benefit?

Only time will tell.

I took the liberty of taking a picture from the second floor window (mind the glare), so you can have a bird’s eye view and whatnot.  Still, this does not do it justice.

And yet still, I sit and stare at it, wondering what on earth could possibly be the point.  But then again, maybe earth has nothing to do with it….

And so the mystery continues.

The Mighty Launcher

The Mighty Launcher

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