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Archive for the ‘Dear…..’ Category

Hooray, I’m in a better mood than yesterday.  Time for yet another random, ‘Dear… ‘ post:

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Dear People Who Drive in Winter Climates,

Please put an end to honking and/or inching up on me as I’m trying to cross the intersection. You are in a car, warm and toasty.  I am only trying to cross the icy, slushy street without falling on my ass.

Love,

The Girl Who Will Only Move Slower if You Keep it Up.

***

Dear Rick Mercer,

Awesomeness.

Love,

Silentorchestra.

***

Dear Feet,

Why must you be magnets for other people’s feet?  

Love,

The Girl Who Constantly Gets Stomped On.

***

Dear Guy Who Stomped On My Foot,

That hurt like a son of a bitch, but thank you for apologizing.

Love,

The Girl With a Possible Broken Toe.

***

Dear Christmas,

Bah Hum Bug.

Love,

Miss Grinch.

***

Dear Little Kid Who Wiped His Wet Boot on My Coat,

You are lucky I was wearing the black one rather than the white one today.

Love,

The Girl Who Was Okay With it Because You Were So Damn Cute.

***

Dear Jagermeister,

Never again.  Do you hear me?  Never, ever.  It’s over.

Love,

Drunk Dialer.

***

Dear Allies at Work,

You are too funny – I will miss that.

Love,

Barbados Bound.

***

Dear Food,

Please learn how to make yourself.

Love,

The Girl Who’s Stomach is Rumbling.

***

Dear Creep,

Stop calling.  Especially at 5am.  Seriously.

Love,

The Girl Who Will Never Answer.

***

Dear Mr. Bus Driver,

Thank you so very much not picking me up as I waited for the bus in the rain. Thank you even more for speeding past and splashing me.  Much appreciated. 

Love,

The Girl Who Flipped You the Bird.

***

Dear Mama,

Thank you SO much for allowing me the opportunity to gloat about my upcoming plans.  Yay.

Love, 

Your Daughter, Who Will Be There in 27 Days.  Weeeeeeeee!

***

Dear Silentorchestra,

That’s enough.  Stop while you’re ahead.

Love,

This Post.

***

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Okay.  So as the title states, I am that bored. In the name of “looking busy,” here’s a bunch of random facts in multiples of three. 

Three pet peeves:

a) Public nose pickers

b) Public transit everything

c) When I hear ‘irregardless.’  It’s not a word people.  Not even close.

 

Three shows I watched as a kid
:

a) Today’s Special

b) Dr. Who

c) Night Rider 

 

Three things I was into as a kid:

a)   Sports

b)   Candy

c)   Cartoons

 

Three things I was into as a teenager:

a)   Vintage everything

b)   Sports

c)    Partying

 

Three things I’m doing right now:

a) Doing as I’m told – ‘look busy’

b) Chewing gum

c) Listening to my iPod

 

Three ways to describe my personality:

a) Laid back

b) Patient

c) Compassionate

 

Three absolute favorite foods:

a)    Bacon

b)   Popsicles

c)    Cheese

 

Three shows I watch:

a)    Curb Your Enthusiasm

b)   South Park

c)    News

 

Three things I say most often:

a)    Shit (Yes, I tend to have a potty mouth)

b)   Seriously

c)    What a concept and rocket science are tied here

 

Three books that I love:

a)    God of Small Things

b)   The Time Traveler’s Wife

c)    Anything by Paulo Coelho

 

Three stupid things I’ve done:

a)  Ate funky smelling food

b)  Dropped my laptop

c)  Hit a parked car

 

Three stupid things that other people have done (or do) that directly affect me:

a)    People that eat on transit. How does directly it affect me?  It takes every bit of my strength not to projectile vomit.

b)   People that make every single god damn call on speaker phone because they are that important.  It takes every bit of my strength not to rip the phone out of the wall.

c)  People that drive like morons

 

Three things that I wish for:

a)    A decent job

b)   A sugar daddy

c)    Happiness

 

Three things that I miss:

a)    My mom

b)   Barbados

c)    My friends & family that have passed


Three things that I wonder:

a)    When am I going to get canned?

b)   Why don’t any of my socks match?

c)    Where does the time go?

 

Three things that I am not:

a)    Organized

b)   Hyper

c)    Stupid

 

Three things you were doing three years ago:

a)    Living in Barbados

b)   Sunbathing

c)    Finishing my degree

 

Three songs you know all the lyrics to:

a)   ‘Santeria’ by Sublime

b)   ‘Use Me’ by Bill Withers

c)    ‘Melt My Heart to Stone’ by Adele

 

Three things you would do if you were a millionaire:

a)    Volunteer at as many organizations as I possibly could

b)   Travel like it’s going out of style

c)    Eat properly

 

Three things you would never wear, get new or buy new again:

a)    Skinny jeans

b)   Bodysuit

c)    Spandex tights with sweaters.  Please, anytime you want to go out of style now, anytime.

 

Three things that scare me:

a) Spiders

b) My future


c) Public restrooms

 

Three people who make me laugh:


a) Larry David


b) Bill Maher

c) My friends

 

Three things I love
:

a) Barbados


b) My fam

c) My kitties

 

Three things I hate


a) Winter


b) Stupidity


c) My job

 

Three things I don’t understand


a) Math

b) Ignorance


c) The extreme dysfunctional nature of my work environment

 

Three things on my desk at work:

a)   My computer


b)   A phone I’ve never used in the three months that I’ve been there

c)    
My coffee

 

Three things I want to do before I die
:

a)    Write a book

b)   
Travel more

c)    Have a child (corny but true) 

 

Three things I can do
:

a)  Spell


b)  Draw


c)  Tune people out 

 

Three things I can’t do
:

a)  Plan 


b)  Settle


c)  Tolerate arrogance

 

Three things I think you should listen to
:

a) The ocean

b) Your intuition


c) Good music

 

Three things you should never listen to:


a) Assholes


b) 
Jerks

c) People who doubt you

 

Three things I’d like to learn (but won’t)
:

a)   Math

b)   
A foreign language

c)    
Meditation


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Milkin’ it…

So I figure I can milk the whole Dear…. for one more entry, because, well, it’s fun, and I’m lazy.

I’ll blame Monday on my laziness, since it sounds better than blaming myself.

Alright y’all, here we go again….

************

Dear Summer,

Could you do me a favour?

Stay here all year, and I promise I’ll be your bestest friend. Forever and ever, babe.

Love,

The Cold Blooded Girl

**********

Dear Woman on the Subway,

Who told you it was okay to wear socks with flip flops?

You look like an idiot.

I mean, socks and sandals are bad enough, but socks and flip flops?

Really, that’s wrong on so many levels.

Love,

The Girl Who Laughed at You

********

Dear Uneducated People in this Photo,

Why am I not surprised?

You did re-elect the biggest dumb ass of a president there ever was.

Love,

The Girl Who Judges Your Bad Grammar

***********

Dear Time,

You are going by too slowly today. Please hurry. I want to go home, pronto and it’s only 9:06 a.m.

Love,

The Girl Who’s Leaving Work Early

**********

Dear Larry David,

I wish I knew you in real life.

Brilliant.

Love,

The Girl Who Needs a Show

*********

Dear People Who Walk Their Children on the Sidewalk in Strollers,

Just because you have a child, and a stroller, does not make you king/queen of the universe.

Obey the rules of the sidewalk like everyone else, or there will be hell to pay.

Love,

The Girl Whose Foot You Steamrolled Over.

*********

Dear People in My Office,

Have some courtesy and shut your damn door if you are speaker phone. It’s annoying.

Love,

That Girl in the Storage Closet

P.S. Guy across the hall – you are so intense, sometimes I think you will implode. Chill out.

**********

Dear Bacon,

You are so very yummy. I love you with all of my heart.

Love,

Your Mistress

*********

Dear Purple Shirt,

Okay ya, seriously. Stop being all Twilight Zonish <queue music> or it’s over.

Love,

The Girl Who Is Apparently on the Exact Same Schedule.

***********

Dear Women Who Wear Yoga Pants with High Heels,

Seriously?

No, really.

SERIOUSLY?

If you had real friends they wouldn’t let you out in public like that.

Love,

The Girl Who Wonders What The Hell Possessed You To Make That Decision.

***********

Dear People Who Argue with Me About Stupid Things That I Have No Control Over,

Stop.

I’m smarter, therefore, I win.

Love,

The Champ

***********

Dear Creepy Dude That Felt the Need to Interrupt a Perfectly Good Night,

1. Introducing yourself with your FORD Car Salesman business card is not attractive.

2. Your Sammy Davis Jr. hairstyle is sooo outdated and looks ridiculous on you.

3. You were pretty much the biggest A-hole I’ve met in a long time – and so was your loser friend.

4. ‘You have nice eyebrows’ is not a good pick-up line.

5. I don’t give a shite that no girls ever call you back, and now I know why.

6. You annoyed us so much that we actually went to another bar so we didn’t have to be reminded by your complete assholeness. Good job, buddy. High Five.

6. YOU FAIL in every possible way.

Love,

The Girl With the Nice Eyebrows

*************

Dear Toronto,

See above letter.

It has to get better than that.

Come on. This is ridiculous. For real.

I’m not asking for much here. Jesus.

Love,

The Girl Who Wonders Where All of the Normal People Are Hiding (and by normal I mean like me).

************

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Okay, so I totally swiped this idea from mamatulip… because, well, it’s brilliant, I love it, and want to try it out for myself. So here we go!

Arightly. To start it off, in honour of brilliance:

Dear Mamatulip,

You rock my socks!

Love,

Your Schnast Sistah!

****

Dear Gross Man on Subway,

Watching you rub your butt on the pole up and down and side to side made me throw up in my mouth a little. Try a rub and tug or a back scratcher and call it a day.

Love,

That Girl Who Looks Disgusted Sitting Behind You.

*****

Dear Patios and Beer,

Stop tempting me. You only get me into trouble.

Love,

Your Best Customer.

*****

Dear Rude Man on Transit,

How dare you grab my shoulder, pull me back, cut in front of me and watch the door slam in my face instead of taking one split second of your precious time to be a decent person and hold it for me. It was rude and don’t pretend like you didn’t notice that both of my hands were full.

Congratulations, *DING! DING! DING!* you have won a gold medal for today’s biggest asshole. Your parents would be proud.

Love,

The Girl Who Hates You.

*****

Dear Sanity,

Where are you?

Love,

Silentorchestra

*****

Dear Hot Man in My Office Building,

Sorry I’m such a dork. You are quite intimidating.

Love,

The Dork

*****

Dear Left Foot,

Anytime you want to stop swelling up would be fabulous and greatly appreciated.

Love,

The Post Surgery Girl.

*****

Dear Future Employers,

Hire Me! My job ends soon.

Love,

The Girl who Needs a Job, Pronto.

*****

Dear Procrastination,

You are my closest friend.

Love,

(I’ll fill this in later)

*****

Dear Work That I Don’t Finish,

See above letter.

Love,

The Procrastinator

*****

Dear Popsicles,

I wish you lasted longer.

Love,

The Girl Who Devours You

*****

Dear Girl Who Lives Above Me,

Please stop singing. Please. I beg you. Stop. Or tone it down a notch. I can’t take it anymore. This is not American Idol, nor a soundproof apartment building.

Love,

The Girl Who Thinks You Need Singing Lessons.

*****

Dear Barbados,

I miss you immensely and will see you next month. Save me a sweet spot on Accra Beach. Don’t forget my rum and coke, flying fish and macaroni pie. Yummers.

Love,

Your Biggest Fan

*****

Dear Hot Guy on My Transit Route Home,

Where the hell have you been hiding? Yes, I did a double-take. Yes, I followed you to the second bus. Yes, I checked your ring finger. Yes, I checked what book you were reading. Yes, I turned and checked which building you went in when we got off at the same stop. And finally, YES: I’m bored and have nothing better to do.

Love,

Your New Friend

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